I was officially made Team Leader (TL) of my department in December 2002 after three months as acting TL with the promise of a promotion after a six-month probation. My supervisor made a public announcement of my position to the entire business unit. I was congratulated by many in the corporation as well as by external parties.
After six months, I was told that I was doing a good job but my promotion was subject to a job evaluation which needed to be done by a HR personnel. I had a very good job performance appraisal in 2003 and in November, my husband and I thought it would be a good time to try for our third child.
Then in March 2004, during a Retail Convention, I was pulled out of a session by my supervisor into the hallway to be informed casually that the job evaluation was completed and I was not to get my promotion. I was shattered. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I retreated to the ladies' washroom to cry. I was four months pregnant then and a low lying placenta caused me to bleed.
After the disappointing news
While I continued to function as TL, I found myself increasingly preoccupied with my pregnancy. My supervisor began not to show support for me in meetings. Some senior managers took advantage of the situation by starting to question my actions and decisions. In addition, my teammates who were my peers began to show disrespect.
 |
In
the final weeks before my estimated date of delivery, I experienced
several
false alarms of contraction. Delivery had to be accelerated, baby
Joey was born on August 26,
and I went on maternity leave.
This was to be my most uncelebrated maternity leave. I did
not
have energy to do anything. I was quite stressed without
knowing
why. After maternity leave, I went back to work but did not feel well at all. I suffered pains and aches all over my body. I would get fever for no apparent reason. I felt nausea. So I went to see my gynaecologist thinking my condition was post partum blues. Dr Suzannah immediately referred me to a psychiatrist as she felt that I was in depression. |
First Encounter with a Shrink and then in Denial
The psychiatrist Dr Khasmini found that I was suffering a minor depression and told me to write my anger in a letter and then tear it up as a way to rid the feeling. As one might have expected, that did not work and when I saw her again in December 2004, she decided that I was in major depression and wanted to prescribe anti-depressants. I freaked out and never saw her again.
Little did I know that I had gone into denial. I continued to work and continued to feel ill. At my supervisor's farewell function on December 26, I played host to a group of 50 people. Normally comfortable before a crowd of 150 people or more, I suddenly found myself stammering and not able to continue my speech. I felt lost.
Before my supervisor left Malaysia, he pulled me aside and apologised to me for having been too tough and at the same time not supportive enough. Little did he know that his apology came too late, as my disappointment had already taken a tailspin...into major depression.
2005 - The Great Fall
I continued to drive myself and push at work. A new supervisor came on board after February 15 2005. I became increasingly ill at work and ill at ease, and had to see the doctor very often. Finally the house doctor saw it right to refer me to a psychiatrist, Dr Ho. On April 19th 2005, I was diagnosed officially with major depression and commenced treatment with the antidepressant Cipram.
Dr Ho said that I would recover in 6-9 months. I was optimistic. I took the medication and truly, after two months, I felt better and decided on my own to stop taking the medication. That was not the best move, because in July I suffered another episode. My medication was changed to Lexapro. The year went on with me in and out of depression. I recorded the highest number of MCs (medical leaves of absences) in my life. In November, I had to be hospitalized for six days in November and my antidepressant was changed again, this time to Efexor (150mg).
Psychotherapy
When I returned to work, the then company Medical Advisor, Dr Lee, saw fit for me to see a counsellor and I commenced psychotherapy with Valerie in December 2005. After several long sessions, she decided that, indeed, I had sustained a lot of pain and that I had been unfairly treated at work. What amazed her was my ability to swallow all the pain and remain loyal to the company I worked for, as well as my commitment to the work. In fact, eventually she strongly suggested that, when I recovered, I leave the company to seek employment elsewhere. I now started to get better and to feel quite confident again. Subsequently, in June 2006 she assured me that I no longer needed to see her.
Head Hunted and Job Hunting
Around this time, a head hunter called me an interview with an international company to lead a team of Malaysians and Singaporeans in their operations. The company offered the job with a 25 percent increase in salary. I thought hard about it and was tempted to sign the offer letter. However, my husband felt that I was not ready to start a new job before I had fully recovered. He felt that I would not be able to take the stress of a new challenge in my condition. I had to let that job go.
I then decided to apply for an internal transfer. However, in my situation, it was difficult even to secure a lateral move within the company! More disappointments and with a new TL replacing me, I again relapsed into depression in November.
In my depression, I would become aimless and go on a complete shutdown. I would sleep all day long, refusing to get up. Come night time, my mind would be buzzing with thoughts of everything. If and when I drove, it would often be aimless, my mind confused and every so often just a blank. Consequently, I would make wrong turns, drive in circles, especially in carparks.
2007 - More Depression, Medical Board, Restructuring
I suffered a short episode in March and another in June/July that necessitated eight days of hospitalisation. This time my psychiatrist decided to increase the dosage of Efexor from 150mg to 262mg and added a mood stabilizer Epilim, as well as, the sleeping tablet Stilnox. I returned to work like a zombie, pretty much drugged. My ability to think drastically slowed down and I felt weepy very often.
Despite it all, I was back at work, this time making myself come back, thanks to a very supportive new team of colleagues who now were fully aware of my condition.
Because of the frequency of bouts of depression, Management together with the new Medical Advisor decided that it was time for a Medical Board to be established to ascertain my ability to continue working. I appeared before the board which comprised two doctors, General Practitioners (GPs) from the Company's panel clinic. They decided that I could continue to work but would be subject to a review.
More days of uncertainly arrived when the Company announced that there was going to be an organisational restructuring code-named Aurora. While most other departments were not negatively impacted, our department was to suffer three casualties. My job as Business Analyst was impacted. It had to be merged with the position of our Office Administrator, hence a new Job Description was created. Worse still, the job group was downgraded to a lower tier. We were told to expect possible redundancy and advised to apply/reapply for jobs including my old one which was now doubled up but slotted into a lower job group. By this time, I was mentally prepared for the worst, but just in time Christmas, I was told that I had been successful in getting back my old "new" job. Was it good news? That remained to be seen.
2008 - Back On Track but Depression Struck Again
I worked hard from January 2008 and took on the additional role and responsibilities from my colleague who would have to leave her company employment at the end March. I adapted well and soon was flying high with my added duties. I was back to attending functions and events previously avoided because of my loss of confidence. I started initiating meetings with other departments. I was being seen as visible to management again.
But, alas, the good times did not last as I slipped into depression again in May. I had stretched myself too far and moved too fast trying to get back on track and be seen in the organisation. Now I had to pay the heavy price.
This depression lasted for the longest time. I fell into the dark abyss again. I stayed away from my family by locking myself in the backroom. I only came out from my hermitage for meals when I felt hungry. My children suffered as well. At my worst, I saw death. I wrote my will in the presence of my sister.
Medical Board Review, MBO and Gratuity based on VSS
Before long, I realized that the death I had seen had to be interpreted as my death in the company I have worked in for 15 years. Two weeks after I came back to work, Management requested that the Medical Board reconvene for a review. So on July 9, I appeared before the panel thinking that I could well pull through as the doctors were the same two I had met before and they were very nice and friendly throughout the whole process. And I felt relieved.
On July 22, the Medical Advisor summoned me to a meeting room. The Medical Board had reached its decision: I was to be medically boarded out (MBO) by Shell. The HR Manager rambled about the compensation package based on the Voluntary Severance Scheme (VSS) normally used for redundancy exercises, but I was no longer paying attention. I was too stunned by this catastrophic verdict to react. I merely asked for some compensation enhancement considering my high medical expenses and my young family.
I met with my supervisor on July 24 to work out my leave balance in order to calculate the last day of service. So quickly did the company want me out that Management was willing to buy up my leave and pay me three months in lieu without getting a replacement in place first.
The gratuity based on the VSS formula worked out to 26 months of pay. In addition, I was provided prorated bonuses, the 3 months pay in lieu and leave buy back which brougt the total amount to 36 months of pay. However, when I compare it with what I earn each year, it is actually only 2 years of income.
Appeal to no avail, Reconsideration? No way!
The next few weeks were to be the most difficult and trying time for me and my family. I started to get into a depressive mood and had a fight with my husband. I had to spend some time away from the family to keep my sanity. I wrote appeals to Management to provide for a more reasonable compensation package. To no avail, all fell on deaf ears.
The HR Manager arranged for a meeting together with the Industrial Relations Manager on August 3. I attended the meeting with my sister as counsel and moral support. It was an entirely one-sided meeting - In response to my pleading for consideration of my case, the body language across the table said all. All we got were wooden stance with crossed arms. I saw the futility and broke down sobbing.
The MD of Shell Malaysia agreed to see me on August 14 to hear me out. After he counselled me, I sheepishly agreed with what he said and signed the termination and package letter. My husband was appalled by what he saw as a total surrender by the little man (his wife in this case) to the big corporate bully.
Unfair Dismissal?
A labour lawyer claims that the dismissal on medical grounds by Shell was not done in compliance with applicable labour law and therefore is submissable to a suit because of the following:-
- Medical Board was conducted by GPs, not specialists.
- Medical Board Review decision letter did not cite reason for the dismissal.
- There is no written report from the panel on the review.
- Process in which Medical Board was done was found to be irregular.
An Epilogue
What happens now? This website - to educate, to be a voice in the darkness, to help others in the same situation, to rally up support for a National Society for the Depressive, to set up an eco farm one day and to sell my art (click here to go to My Drawings)..